|Age:||I am 34|
In Open-ended questions yielded the following conclusions:. I guess that I was a co-addict, as I considered sex and love as the same, and when he was choosing the computer, he was rejecting me. When I was home nights, and he would finally come to bed, then say he was too tired, I would try to interest him, and when I was unsuccessful, I would go into the living room and cry for hours.
He said that the computer was only a small part of the sex addiction, that pornography and meeting other people was a greater part, but the computer was an object that I could see, and I guess, hate. When he was away from home, he could make up excuses for what he was doing, but when he was sitting in front of the computer and conversing for hours, there was no doubt what he was doing. The kids knew what was going on, to an extent. My son says here is no way he can trust his dad, but the son also has been visiting porn sites, until we found out and talked to him about it.
Effects of cybersex addiction on the family
I resented the computer for years, until I finally accepted the fact that it was the user, not the machine that was causing the problem. I knew my husband was masturbating all the time, but I thought it was my fault. When I found the computer disk going back five years, everything made sense. I had been in denial about how much I knew, and how much my life was out of control. I feel very used and violated because of this behavior, and I have lost my trust.
My husband would blame me when I would catch him masturbating at the computer. He would not do any chores when I was out; When I returned, he would throw the blinds and turn off the light really fast.
Right under your nose
He would keep looking at his pants to see if I could tell he had an erection. He would run out of the bedroom like he was just changing. He would call me and say he was coming right home at 4, and not show up until 7. He would say he was working really hard and not to give him a hard time. I knew he would be masturbating if I left the house.
I never said no to sex unless he was wasted drunk, I was not feeling well, or I was working. I believed that if I had sex more often, or if I were better at sex, he would not masturbate as much. I thought I was not good enough because I did not look like the girls in the pictures. I thought if I dressed and looked good it would keep him interested. I would not walk into the room at night because I did not want to walk in on him.
If the kids and I were coming home from somewhere and his car was there, I would run into the house first and be loud so the kids would not walk in on him. I found semen on my office chair and pubic hair on my mouse. I would get dressed fast so I would not have to have sex with him. I would have to mentally prepare myself for sex. I tried to talk with him about masturbation and how often he wanted to have sex.
Cybersex addiction takes toll but not in the way predicted
I was in denial about how unhappy I was. My husband does not believe he has an addiction. He thinks all he needs is a more loving wife. I feel like I am leftovers, not first-run as I should be. My self-esteem is damaged beyond belief. To be honest, our sex life is pretty incredible — we are not prudes by any means. How can it be soooo good for both of us but still not enough for him? The growth of the internet in the past seven years has been phenomenal.
Before the internet was used by only a few persons in laboratories and universities. In there will be over 94 million users Computerworld Also increasing is the of people who are drawn into using internet access to obtain sexual satisfaction. For others, with no such history, cybersex is the first expression of an addictive sexual disorder, one that lends itself to rapid progression, similar to the effect of crack cocaine on the ly occasional cocaine user. In contrast to pornographic bookstores and theaters, involvement with prostitutes, exhibitionism and voyeurism on the street, purchase of pornographic magazines, and anonymous sex in hotels and parks, the internet has several characteristics which make it the ideal medium for sexual involvement Cooper, It is also ideal for hiding the activities from the spouse or ificant other SObecause it does not leave obvious evidence of the sexual encounter.
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Other articles in this issue address the problem of compulsive cybersex involvement. The goal of this paper is to describe how such behavior affects the SO and the children. To learn more about the effects of cybersex on the SO and family of the user, I employed the same qualitative research method used in studies of the effect of sex addiction on couples Schneider et al. The only difference was that the research was done entirely via e-mail, as I assumed that the target population would have access to a computer.
A cover letter was sent to approximately 15 therapists who treat sex addicts, and they were asked to forward the letter to any persons they knew who were dealing with cybersex involvement in the family. The letter explained the nature of the research and invited the client to e-mail me to obtain a brief survey.
Cybersex before meeting? that’s not for me
The survey questions are listed in Table 1. Please add any other comments which you think might be helpful to us in understanding how cybersex addiction affects the couple and the family. Because e-mail does not generally allow for anonymity, as a return address is automatically attached, I gave respondents the option of returning the survey to me via regular mail after cutting out any identifying information. Only 3 out of 94 respondents chose to respond via regular mail.
The survey asked questions both about the adverse effects of cybersex use on the partners and about their efforts at resolution of the problems, either individually or as a couple. This paper addresses only the first part. When reading the overwhelmingly pained, discouraged and negative comments of the SOs, it is helpful to know that many of the same writers later describe recovery from their codependency and their pain, whether or not they are still in the relationship.
In a of cases, the cybersex user is taking major positive steps towards recovery from the addiction, and the couple relationship has changed ificantly for the better.
This survey of partners of cybersex users did not attempt to formally diagnose sex addiction in the mostly men described by the respondents, and by its nature represents only the perspective of the respondents. Any addictive disorder comprises loss of control i.
Are internet affairs different?
It is likely that the vast majority of the cybersex users fulfill these criteria and indeed have an addictive sexual disorder. However, this study was not deed to ascertain this.
Responses were obtained from 94 persons whose spouse or partner was heavily involved in cybersex activities. All responses were obtained within a 2-month period, in July and August The 94 SOs comprised 91 women and 3 men. One woman and 2 men reported being in a homosexual relationship.
The 94 cybersex addicts were 92 men and 2 women. The mean age of the 94 respondents was They had been in the relationship for a mean of That is, The cybersex involvement had been a problem for the partners for a mean of 2. Several, however, commented that although they had learned about the behavior very recently, they now recognized that it had been going on for a long time and was probably responsible for problems in the relationship whose nature they had not understood before.
Related activities included phone-sex with people met online, and online affairs that progressed to skin-to-skin sex. One man reportedly ed on as a teenage girl and solicited lesbian sex, and another man posed as a teenage boy in teen chat rooms. Because the partners reported only those activities of which they were aware, it is reasonable to assume that the actual prevalence was higher.
One might hypothesize that offline or live sexual encounters would be more problematic for a relationship than virtual encounters.
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Compared with the 57 people who had reportedly not had offline affairs, the 28 who did have live affairs were on the average older Table 3 analyzes the relationship between marital status and offline involvement with other people.
The percentages were calculated separately for each marital status group. Because of the small s in the separated and divorced group, the differences are not statistically ificant using the chi-square test, but the data do suggest that the likelihood of divorce is increased by this behavior. To the extent that the decision to divorce was related to the compulsive sexual behaviors, the data also show that cybersex even when others are not involved can have a ificant negative impact on the viability of the marriage.
Online sex is a continuation of a pre-existing addictive sexual disorder.
In 29 reports Because some SOs may not have known about other behaviors, or may not have thought to mention them, this figure is very likely an underestimate. Behaviors included phone sex, voyeurism, seeing prostitutes, and going to massage parlors. Most common was heavy involvement with pornography magazines, videos, movies, etc. A well-known characteristic of addictions is tolerancewhich is the need to do more and more to get the same .